Where did I see God today? I saw God in the peace I've recently found regarding my existence...my purpose. And all day long this verse kept coming to mind...
"For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14
Let me back up a bit and explain myself....
I was born to teenaged parents. My mom was 16 and my dad was 17. I was not planned; in fact, the mere news of me arriving, I'm certain, brought a lot of heartache to a lot of people. I'm sure my mom and dad were scared to death on how their families would react. And I'm sure their families were disappointed that the lives they had imagined for their son or their daughter would not be as they had hoped. Here they are now dropping out of school, getting married, and raising a baby.
So, I grew up with a feeling that had I not been born, everyone's life would have been less complicated. Now, let me make it VERY clear...nobody ever MADE me feel this way. They never told me I was unwanted or anything, it was just always a feeling I had...a responsibility for their unhappiness. I looked at their lives...they divorced when I was three, remarried, my mom had other children, they did not get along and they had lots of problems in their lives throughout the years...so I always thought that I was the cause of all these problems. Had I not existed, they wouldn't have them. And this feeling has really weighed on me for a very long time.
It has been a total work in progress: this reversing of thought. I now know that God put me here for a reason. He formed me in my mother's womb. He is the creator of all things, and He created me fearfully and wonderfully. His works are wonderful...I wouldn't be who I am right now without my experiences in life. And although sometimes I felt pretty bad about myself or my circumstances, it was those experiences that encouraged me to do better for my life. It wasn't just a total epiphany, but I've come to be at peace with all of this and I am so thankful that I can begin at 39 to understand that I'm here only because God allowed it...He has a plan and now I have the peace in my soul that I am wanted, I am loved, I WAS planned.
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